Overcoming The Parent/Child Dynamic

I can remember a Sunday School teacher once chiding me for being disruptive. "Stephen, God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason. He wanted you to listen twice as much as you speak." At the time, those words fell on deaf ears, both of 'em. However, I have found myself returning to those pearls of wisdom on many occasions throughout my life.

Many adult children approach their parents as a collection of problems to be solved. Mom needs help at home. Dad is not safe behind the wheel. Mom and Dad's finances need to be managed more carefully. The real problem is that many times we attempt to solve problems we know nothing about.

Problem: Since Dad passed away Mom lives by herself.
Solution: Mom should move in with us and live in our spare bedroom. She could spend more time with her grandkids and save some extra money.

New Problem: Mom doesn't want to move in with you. She is afraid that she will be viewed as a permanent on-site babysitter. She already raised her kids and, as much as she loves yours, doesn't want to be a mom again. She is 75 and saving money is not on the top of her list. Your dad did a great job of making sure that she would be well provided for. What would she be saving money for other than your inheritance?

Problem: Dad's eyesight isn't what it used to be and I don't feel he is safe behind the wheel.
Solution: We should take away his car keys.

New Problem: Dad's vision is fine except that he doesn't see well at night. He is terrified every time he drives but even more terrified that if he tells you then you will want to take his keys away. Rather than risk admitting his weaknesses and fears, he refuses to address what he knows is going on and becomes increasingly defensive.

Home Instead's own Mary Maxwell once quipped: "Be patient with me as I age. This is the first time I have ever been old." Aging is a new experience for everyone. There are no practice rounds. There are no take backs. The only person who knows less about aging than the person enduring it is the aging child watching it take place in the life of their loved one. Yet it is not uncommon for an adult child to jump into solving a collection of issues they know nothing about.

The 40-70 Rule is a program put together by Home Instead Senior Care to help families navigate some of these tricky conversations. The program includes a downloadable "Action Plan For Successful Aging" which covers a variety of topics important to discuss with an aging parent. Each topic is broken down using an 'Assess, Consider, Talk (ACT)' model which encourages every member of the situation to consider the aging process from a variety of different angles BEFORE talking about potential solutions.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."   Mark Twain

For more information about the 40-70 Rule Program and to obtain your free Action Plan For Successful Aging visit www.4070talk.com

We Are Family

As the father of a pre-teen son, I am growing accustomed to the almost daily hormone-fueled rants that accompany life at his age. I remember rants of my own during those years. I remember trying to articulate my jumbled emotions to my bewildered parents. During the tougher seasons, I can recall the seductive thought of leaving for college. On that day, I thought, I will finally be free of these fools and can live life on my own terms. But two truths became quickly evident after I moved out of my childhood home. First, I realized that my parents weren't the fools I may have thought them to be. Second, I realized didn't want to be free of them after all.

The desire for rebellion and independence is not singular to teenage sons. It is a common theme which has driven people of all ages and genders throughout recorded history. From Adam and Eve to Lewis and Clark, we don't want someone else calling the shots. However, despite our best effort to loose the shackles of dependence and forge a path of our own we are a people designed to live in community. There is a deeper drive within us to exist in relationship to others. Nowhere is this more evident than in the bond between parent and child.

As foolish as the child seeking total separation from his parents is the notion that an aging parent and the challenges they face are insulated from affecting their adult children. While a parent and child may enjoy different stages of a relationship throughout their lives, the reality that a relationship continually exists should not be lost on either party. The issues that either go through touch the lives of the other.

As a service to the community, Home Instead Senior Care is presenting a public education campaign called "The 40-70 Rule" over the next several months. This program pinpoints the ages of 40 and 70 as being the perfect starting point for an adult child and their aging parent to begin having important discussions regarding their desires for the years to come. After having reviewed the program materials and having seen the devastation which is wrought by avoiding these sometimes difficult topics, I am excited to share these resources free of charge.

But before we get to the 'How-to's" of having tackling these issues, I think it is important to remember that none of us exist in a vacuum. There is a natural tendency for both parties to recoil from probing questions about our desires. "That's none of your business," we may be tempted to say.
Yet nothing could be further from the truth.

If my parents wish to live out their lives in the comfort of their home, that is very much my business as I will be the one ultimately coordinating the resources and assistance to make that dream a reality. As they prepare to set sail into the sunset of their lives, I must prepare to fulfill my eventual responsibilities as captain of that ship. It is therefore not only reasonable but critical that we have these conversations before the ship leaves its proverbial port.

So let us begin this journey with that one clarification.

We are in this together.

If we work together we can make both of our dreams a reality.

For more information on "The 40-70 Rule" visit www.4070talk.com