Overcoming The Parent/Child Dynamic

I can remember a Sunday School teacher once chiding me for being disruptive. "Stephen, God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason. He wanted you to listen twice as much as you speak." At the time, those words fell on deaf ears, both of 'em. However, I have found myself returning to those pearls of wisdom on many occasions throughout my life.

Many adult children approach their parents as a collection of problems to be solved. Mom needs help at home. Dad is not safe behind the wheel. Mom and Dad's finances need to be managed more carefully. The real problem is that many times we attempt to solve problems we know nothing about.

Problem: Since Dad passed away Mom lives by herself.
Solution: Mom should move in with us and live in our spare bedroom. She could spend more time with her grandkids and save some extra money.

New Problem: Mom doesn't want to move in with you. She is afraid that she will be viewed as a permanent on-site babysitter. She already raised her kids and, as much as she loves yours, doesn't want to be a mom again. She is 75 and saving money is not on the top of her list. Your dad did a great job of making sure that she would be well provided for. What would she be saving money for other than your inheritance?

Problem: Dad's eyesight isn't what it used to be and I don't feel he is safe behind the wheel.
Solution: We should take away his car keys.

New Problem: Dad's vision is fine except that he doesn't see well at night. He is terrified every time he drives but even more terrified that if he tells you then you will want to take his keys away. Rather than risk admitting his weaknesses and fears, he refuses to address what he knows is going on and becomes increasingly defensive.

Home Instead's own Mary Maxwell once quipped: "Be patient with me as I age. This is the first time I have ever been old." Aging is a new experience for everyone. There are no practice rounds. There are no take backs. The only person who knows less about aging than the person enduring it is the aging child watching it take place in the life of their loved one. Yet it is not uncommon for an adult child to jump into solving a collection of issues they know nothing about.

The 40-70 Rule is a program put together by Home Instead Senior Care to help families navigate some of these tricky conversations. The program includes a downloadable "Action Plan For Successful Aging" which covers a variety of topics important to discuss with an aging parent. Each topic is broken down using an 'Assess, Consider, Talk (ACT)' model which encourages every member of the situation to consider the aging process from a variety of different angles BEFORE talking about potential solutions.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."   Mark Twain

For more information about the 40-70 Rule Program and to obtain your free Action Plan For Successful Aging visit www.4070talk.com

It's a Process Not An Event

Many families are willing to admit that they haven't had "the talk." Statistically, most families won't.
According to senior care professionals, 70% of family conversations about aging are prompted by an event such as a health crisis or other emergency.

I think the idea of "the talk" might be some of what keeps many families from engaging in critically important dialogue with their aging parents. "The talk" is not a single event as the term suggests but rather a series of conversations which bridge the gap between adult children and their aging parents. My parents and I have had "the talk" on a number of different occasions; each time we gain a greater understanding of each other as well as greater confidence moving forward into increasingly sensitive topics.

Home Instead Senior Care's 40-70 Rule Program is a great resource for structuring those conversations. We have suggested that when an adult child is 40 and their aging parent is 70, it is great time to begin a simple dialogue about a number of different issues. The idea of having "the talk" insinuates some sort of huge moment of discourse which can understandably be intimidating for some. What if I do it wrong? What if I mess up "the talk?"

Like so many conversations between children and their parents, the notion that we can simply breeze into each other's lives and suddenly have extremely meaningful talks about sensitive topics that we have never addressed before and then breeze back out just as quickly is asinine.

Many people ask us how to go about addressing these issues if they don't currently have a relationship with their parents. I would suggest that the resources Home Instead has made available can be a useful road map towards not only answering some important questions as your parents age but also towards naturally cultivating a meaningful relationship where one previously did not exist.

Have "the talk."

Then have it again.

For more information about Home Instead Senior Care and some of the ways we are serving families CLICK HERE.