A Sad (but fairly typical) Story

We are all familiar with the woeful reputation of Cinderella’s evil stepmother. Certain roles in a family structure are notorious in repute. They become historical punchlines- the old ball-n-chain, the in laws, the mother in law, the crazy uncle. They are funny to talk about because at some level and in some cases there is partial truth to them.
Recently, I spoke with a woman dealing with the care of her father. Her dad recently celebrated his 90th birthday and has started to exhibit some symptoms of mild dementia. He remarried about 15 years ago much to the chagrin of all of the children and the relationship between these adult children and their new “evil stepmother” never warmed. However, there was one topic on which they all agreed. They promised their dad/husband that they would never put him in a facility. This promise was to become the wedge that would drive the family apart.
Over the last several months, Dad’s condition has worsened. Not tremendously, but certainly to the point where the day to day aspects of providing care for him have become overwhelming for one person to handle. Suddenly, the promise to keep him at home is relative for his new wife. A nursing home seems the only acceptable solution. As one of the daughters told me this story her anger for her stepmother and the broken promise was palpable. This was not the plan. Dad deserves better.
One of the things we stress during our initial training sessions for new caregivers is the critical importance of taking care of the caregiver. As a caregiver, the rigors and demands of serving the increasing needs of a senior are staggering. The emotional toll of caregiving creates a level of stress to which even the most empathetic observers are oblivious. This stress manifests in different ways for different people. Upset stomach, insomnia, canker sores, back pain, headaches, loss of appetite, depression, among other symptoms are things to which we teach our caregivers to pay close attention. YOU ARE NO GOOD TO SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU DON’T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.
This “evil stepmother” is not truly evil in my opinion. Her desire is not to break the heartfelt promises of a family to an elderly man. She is a family caregiver who has reached her breaking point and been pushed beyond it. She wishes to put her husband into a retirement home because it is the only option she can see. It is the only relief in her sight. While any rational observer may be able to see that resources and help are available, she is no longer a rational observer. She is exhausted on a level that her “evil stepchildren” can’t comprehend. And the lack of understanding on both sides is what drives the wedge and fuels the stereotype.
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