The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to their graves with the song still in them."

-Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience and Other Essays

For most, there is still an opportunity to live a life of purpose. It is no small task to be continually intentional regarding who you are and what you were created to do with your life. Life has a not-so-funny way of throwing distractions into your field of vision which, while they may be good and worthwhile things, may nudge you slightly off course at critical moments. 

I often think of the movie Far and Away. The main character, a poor Irish tenant farmer, comes to America with dreams of owning his own plot of land. Like so many of us, along the way he loses track of the dream that drove him to the land of opportunity in the first place. While riding a train back east, he spots a caravan of settlers heading west. As if awakened from a sleep, he grabs his belongings and leaps from the train to join them. His fellows on the train call after him- "Mick! Mick! Where are you going?!" "I was on the wrong road," he answers back.

Unfortunately, many will reach the end of their journey with heavy regrets that they no longer have the time to correct. It is helpful to hear some of them as a cautionary tale. On my final day, I hope to be able to echo the words of the Apostle Paul who declared:" I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith."(2 Tim4:7)

Here are the top five regrets of the dying as recorded by Bonnie Ware in her new book, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

How many of us have fallen into this trap? It is easy to conform to the expectations of those who care the most about us but ultimately, it is not their life to live. Make it your own.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This regret was shared by an overwhelming number of male patients during their final moments. Go home and through the ball with your kids.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Bottling up emotions is not a new art form. The results of hiding your thoughts and feelings are well documented on every possible level: physical, mental, and emotional. In the words of Elsa, let it go.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Creating true community is a VERY intentional task. As lives get busier, carving out time for the people in your life that matter is not automatic. How many of us have people on our list that 'we just lost touch with somehow?'

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Perhaps the most surprising of the top five, this is not an easy fix. Happiness and joy are choices that we make throughout our lives despite our circumstances. It is far easier to become mired in whatever difficulty we are currently facing than to celebrate all of the remarkable aspects of the life we have been given along the way.

So....

For more information about the way Home Instead Senior Care can help your loved one live the life of their dreams visit www.homeinstead.com/106.

My First Book Report in Many Years

I am blessed to have the opportunity to work with seniors. The generation that Home Instead Senior Care currently serves is aptly described as "The Greatest Generation." While I am sure that each generation can lay claim to its own aspects of greatness, the generation that survived the depression and stormed the beaches at Normandy deserves a special place in history and a title to go along with it.

Yesterday, I finished reading The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown. In it, Brown tells the remarkable story of the men's eight oared rowing crew which stunned the world by winning gold at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. Many will choose to pass by this book due to a lack of interest in the topic of men's rowing, they will make a mistake in doing so.

The Boys in the Boat is about far more than rowing or the Olympics. The story of the 1936 team is a microcosm of the story of many young men of that generation. These were not carefully cultivated and well-bred athletes that seem to be emblematic of Olympic athletes today. These were boys coming up through impossibly difficult circumstances in order to triumph over adversity in life and on the water. In the book, Brown does a masterful job of interweaving the thickening plot of European politics of the time and the pilgrimmage of the Husky Clipper, the boat which carried the boys to gold. The rise of Hitler's Germany and the recovery of the United States from the Great Depression both serve as dramatic backdrops to the journey of those nine boys from Seattle to Berlin. Their victory was over more than just impossible odds. Their victory was a knife into the heart of an idea which would soon engulf the world in a horrible war. Perhaps more importantly, their victory blew new wind into the sail of an American dream which for many during those dark years seemed to have disappeared completely.

My favorite part of the book was the epilogue where Brown takes his readers beyond the race and briefly explores the lives each of The Boys in the Boat went on to live. Not surprisingly, the grit and determination they showed in conquering the world was evidenced throughout each of their individual lives as well.

I am glad that I read the book. I am blessed to work with many who belong to that generation and who have similarly remarkable stories to tell.

Let's Talk About Sex...in Nursing Homes.

Sexuality is an exciting topic at any age. Thanks in no small part to the daily dose of sexuality we ingest through television and media, the drugs constantly offering to help us have better sex, and the societal mentality that defines people according to who they have sex with, we think about sex a lot. One place, however, you might not spend a great deal of time thinking about sex in is a nursing home. Times they are a-changing.

Seniors today are far more active than they have ever been before. They are living longer, fuller lives. While many of the senses may dull or fail with old age, the sense of touch remains intact. Seniors have desires and seniors are having sex.

A conversation with any worker in an assisted living community will confirm this fact if you have any doubt. When the families are through visiting, the room swaps begin. This has brought about some difficult ethical questions to answer for administrators in facilities and communities. Do they have the legal power to stop consensual sex between adults? At what point is sex no longer consensual with regards to dementia?

There are examples on both sides of the debate. On the more conservative side is an example out of Iowa where to two seniors with dementia were caught having sex on Christmas day. Administrators and nurses were fired and lambasted as public examples of negligence. Charges were filed by the family against the facility for failing to prevent the rape of one resident by another. Eventually, both of the residents in question passed away as did the lawsuit. The administrators never worked in senior care again; the scarlet letter of a new era. In the Bronx, there is a nursing home with an entirely different take on the issue which is making headlines. At this home, the administrator brags that his staff "actively encourages and supports sex and intimacy among its residents. Our position is very strongly that consenting adults who have capacity, this is a civil right of theirs. They do not give up a civil right simply because they are in need of nursing care in a facility. And that our obligation as a nursing facility is to encourage their civil rights, as we would do with respect to voting."

No matter where you fall on this issue, the reality is that seniors are having sex more than probably ever before. With the rapidly increasing numbers of this demographic and the rise of seniors who are struggling with dementia, this is a conversation that needs to be had.

China Mandates That Children Care For Their Parents.

The People's Republic of China made waves recently by enacting "The Law of Protection of Rights and Interests of the Aged." Among other things, this law mandates that children visit their parents regularly in order to provide for their financial and spiritual needs. Senior issues are an area of critical concern for China. Currently, they have approximately 185 million people over the age of 60. By 2050, the elderly are predicted to account for more than a third of the entire population. Read more about it below.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/07/02/world/asia/china-elderly-law/index.html?iref=allsearch

6 Kids and Counting

The rumors are true. I have six children. Let me rephrase that. I have six, beautiful, perfectly healthy, intelligent sons. To say that I am blessed doesn't nearly encapsulate all that I have been given. The fact that my wife and I have brought six children into this world with little to no medical complications is miraculous. The fact that we have even been able to conceive six times is amazing. And yet, the one reaction that we consistently receive from those around us is pity. The pity is especially profound when people find out that we have six BOYS. "Oh you poor thing!" "You  must have been just desperate for that girl." "Oh your poor wife!" And my personal favorite: "Don't y'all know what causes that?"

The last several weeks have been emotionally draining for me. I am, by nature, an empathetic person and tend to carry emotional baggage for the people in my life. There has lately been much baggage to carry. I have close friends that have lost babies, are facing the possibility of losing a baby, are facing the possibility of losing a young child, or have been trying desperately for years to have a child to no avail. Each night they come home to an empty nursery or find themselves curled up in a vinyl hospital chair praying that God will somehow intervene.

I believe that we live in a fallen world. I believe that this world was created perfect and pure and that  because of our rebellion against the Creator things have deteriorated to this point. I believe that death and disease and sickness and heartbreak were not the Creator's intent. I believe that there is a battle being waged between good and evil because I see the evidence of it all around me. It is everywhere I look.

And then I see my children. I see my six, beautiful, perfectly healthy, intelligent sons. For whatever reason, God has gifted my wife and I with the ability to bring good things into this world. Each one of my sons stands in defiance of a world where babies die and people hurt. Their laughter and joy reminds us all of a purity lost but not forgotten.  I have no doubt that we battle an enemy who seeks to kill and destroy. I have seen his victories in the lives of those who matter most to me. Each of my sons is a victory over his wicked agenda. Each of my sons is a reminder that the Creator of life has not forgotten us. In a cruel and dark world, they are a beacons of goodness and light. My children strengthen my hope in the God who promised that he will return and make all things new again.

And so for the people who seem so bewildered by the size of our family, for those who are perplexed by our ever-increasing brood, for those who in word and thought pity us for the "burden" we have to raise a large family, I would point you to the book of Psalms chapter 127 verses 3-5.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is a man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."

My children are a blessing. They are a rich reward that someone else paid dearly for me to receive. I will cherish them as such and continue to welcome every blessing God chooses to send my way.

Seventy-Seven Is Not Really That Old

When John Glenn was rocketed back into orbit at the sprightly age of 77 there were many differing takes on the situation. Many people celebrated the idea that our medical technology had advanced to the point that it was even possible to send a geriatric into space. Many people looked down on the idea as nothing more than a publicity stunt, intent to revive public interest in a beleaguered space program facing major budget cuts and possible extinction. Press conferences were an understandable blitz of questions from both sides of the issue and were emotionally taxing for the Astronaut turned Senator turned Astronaut. Rumor has it(although I can find no specific reference to it online) that at one point Senator Glenn became exasperated by the incessant questioning of one particular journalist. After the umpteenth pseudo-rhetorical question, Mr.Glenn had clearly had enough and raised his voice over the the din of the press corps saying: "Just because I am 76 doesn't mean that I don't still have dreams." The audience fell silent.

Aging has always been an arc. We begin life with little to no independent functionality and gradually gain the ability to live our life on our own. As the years go by, we pass the zenith of the arc and begin to gradually lose our independent functionality. It is the tragic reality with which man has contended since the dawning of time. Rev. Chris Osborne, pastor of Central Baptist Church in College Station, Tx ( Home of the Fightin' Texas Aggies. Whoop!) says that the reason that we so vehemently reject the concept of aging and seek to avoid our own deaths is that God has placed eternity on the hearts of men. We are designed with an eternal soul and anything that reminds us of our fallen state also reminds us that we are sojourners in this foreign land. I tend to agree.

However, we now find ourselves pushing into a brave new world where age no longer limits the human body in the way in which it once did. Fifty is the new forty. Sixty is the new fifty. Seventy is the new sixty and eighty is not really that old after all. This massive cultural shift requires nothing of those who find themselves a part of the aging demographic. They will just continue to do what they have been doing all along; living their lives. For the rest of us, it requires that we change the very core of how we think about aging. At Home Instead Senior Care, this is in our DNA. It is fundamental to everything we do. We are part of a movement that refuses to accept a 'less than' life. We are actively working to Change the Face of Aging. Daily we join with seniors and the families whom we serve to declare to all who will listen that we will not go quietly into the night! A new day has dawned and dreams can still come true.

What Good is Long Term Care Insurance?

I have heard countless horror stories about insurance. It seemed to be ubiquitous during the debate leading up to the passage of the new healthcare law. Insurance companies are out to get us! Evil corporations are profiteering on the misfortune of others!

Unfortunately, the positive aspects of being insured never receive the same fanfare as the tales of woe which are politically useful when public servants are attempting to push an agenda. I suppose they don't make for interesting news stories. "Stay tuned to hear about how a father purchased insurance for his family and then received the benefit to which he was entitled when his son broke his arm at a middle school soccer game." Next.

At Home Instead Senior Care, I have the opportunity to visit with families each day who are faced with the fiscal reality of what it takes to provide quality care for their aging parents. Most are thrust into being a family caregiver without any warning or forethought. They wake up at 3am to a phone call letting them know that their relationship to their parents has forever changed. They thought they had more time. Many have no plan in place. As a result, they will spend the years to come in a constant tug-o-war between the desire to give their parents the best care available and the financial reality of providing that care. Sacrifices will be made. Compromises will be agreed upon. Regrets will endure.

Other families will never face that music. They will likely wake to the same phone call at 3am. Their lives will probably also change with little or no warning. They also thought that they had more time. But they have a plan in place. Years ago, their parents saw the proverbial writing on the wall and purchased a Long Term Care Insurance(LTCI) policy for themselves. Their children will still work to give them the best care available but will never be forced to make the same heartbreaking decisions as others in similar situations. They will have tools and resources at their disposal as a result of their parents' foresight.

There are horror stories about every type of insurance policy not providing benefits in the way in which it was expected but those stories are the rare exception and not the rule. The reality is that most of us go through life paying for insurance policies which protect us against things from which we will likely never suffer.  Most people will live their lives without ever suffering a catastrophic injury or illness. And yet there is a tremendous sense of urgency to be insured 'just in case.' A LTCI Policy is the one type of policy that is not a 'just in case' arrangement. You will get older. You will need help. It is only a question of when. And when that time comes, how will your children provide for you?

The Fine Line Between Binging and Moderation

Researchers at Rutgers University have reported that binge drinking can decrease the development of adult brain cells by as much as 40 percent. Whew! I sure am glad that I don't have a binge drinking problem.

Not so fast. Also included in the study is information about the thin line that tends to separate drinking in moderation from what many consider to be binge drinking.

It has long been accepted as truth that a couple glasses of wine each day are a good way to promote cardiovascular and brain health. However, lead author of the study, Megan Anderson, cautions "Moderate drinking can become binge drinking without the person realizing it. In the short term, there may not be any noticeable motor skills or overall functioning problems. But in the long term, this type of behavior could have an adverse effect on learning and memory."

According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, men who drink 14 drinks a week and women who drink 7 are considered at-risk drinkers. While many people commonly assume that binge drinking is a strictly collegiate phenomenon, the statistics counter that assumption. According to the institute, 70 percent of binge drinking involved adults age 26 and older. "This research indicates that social or daily drinking may be more harmful to brain health than what is now believed by the general public."

The Wonderful Wizard of Hos-pice

Last week I found myself visiting with the daughter of an aging parent. After reviewing their situation, I mentioned that it might not be a bad idea to contact a hospice organization. As soon as the word "hospice" escaped my lips, I found myself face to face with a hysterical daughter who sobbed uncontrollably at the imminent passing of her father. That wasn't what I said!

At Home Instead Senior Care, we often partner with hospice organizations. Home Instead is dedicated to the mission of helping people live life on their own terms. So is hospice. Home Instead recognizes that there are certain realities that are naturally associated with the aging process that cannot be avoided. So does hospice.

Many people think about hospice as a place but in actuality it is a philosophy of care. Hospice can help patients and their families begin to deal with whatever is happening to them on their own terms and in their own time frame. If life is a journey, think of hospice as a travel agent. Hospice helps coordinate community resources and helps you to know where to go in order to get the very best of everything. While most of us try to cheat death at every turn, there has only ever been one man who has managed to defeat death. That makes the human mortality rate pretty close to 100%. If you are the child of an aging parent and are approaching the point where care is more important than cure then I would highly suggest getting in touch with a hospice organization. They are truly wonderful people and have been a tremendous comfort to to the clients we have partnered with them to serve.