Friday, August 29, 2014

Overcoming The Parent/Child Dynamic


I can remember a Sunday School teacher once chiding me for being disruptive. "Stephen, God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason. He wanted you to listen twice as much as you speak." At the time, those words fell on deaf ears, both of 'em. However, I have found myself returning to those pearls of wisdom on many occasions throughout my life.

Many adult children approach their parents as a collection of problems to be solved. Mom needs help at home. Dad is not safe behind the wheel. Mom and Dad's finances need to be managed more carefully. The real problem is that many times we attempt to solve problems we know nothing about.

Problem: Since Dad passed away Mom lives by herself.
Solution: Mom should move in with us and live in our spare bedroom. She could spend more time with her grandkids and save some extra money.

New Problem: Mom doesn't want to move in with you. She is afraid that she will be viewed as a permanent on-site babysitter. She already raised her kids and, as much as she loves yours, doesn't want to be a mom again. She is 75 and saving money is not on the top of her list. Your dad did a great job of making sure that she would be well provided for. What would she be saving money for other than your inheritance?

Problem: Dad's eyesight isn't what it used to be and I don't feel he is safe behind the wheel.
Solution: We should take away his car keys.

New Problem: Dad's vision is fine except that he doesn't see well at night. He is terrified every time he drives but even more terrified that if he tells you then you will want to take his keys away. Rather than risk admitting his weaknesses and fears, he refuses to address what he knows is going on and becomes increasingly defensive.

Home Instead's own Mary Maxwell once quipped: "Be patient with me as I age. This is the first time I have ever been old." Aging is a new experience for everyone. There are no practice rounds. There are no take backs. The only person who knows less about aging than the person enduring it is the aging child watching it take place in the life of their loved one. Yet it is not uncommon for an adult child to jump into solving a collection of issues they know nothing about.

The 40-70 Rule is a program put together by Home Instead Senior Care to help families navigate some of these tricky conversations. The program includes a downloadable "Action Plan For Successful Aging" which covers a variety of topics important to discuss with an aging parent. Each topic is broken down using an 'Assess, Consider, Talk (ACT)' model which encourages every member of the situation to consider the aging process from a variety of different angles BEFORE talking about potential solutions.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."   Mark Twain

For more information about the 40-70 Rule Program and to obtain your free Action Plan For Successful Aging visit www.4070talk.com



Tuesday, August 26, 2014

It's a Process Not An Event


Many families are willing to admit that they haven't had "the talk." Statistically, most families won't.
According to senior care professionals, 70% of family conversations about aging are prompted by an event such as a health crisis or other emergency.

I think the idea of "the talk" might be some of what keeps many families from engaging in critically important dialogue with their aging parents. "The talk" is not a single event as the term suggests but rather a series of conversations which bridge the gap between adult children and their aging parents. My parents and I have had "the talk" on a number of different occasions; each time we gain a greater understanding of each other as well as greater confidence moving forward into increasingly sensitive topics.

Home Instead Senior Care's 40-70 Rule Program is a great resource for structuring those conversations. We have suggested that when an adult child is 40 and their aging parent is 70, it is great time to begin a simple dialogue about a number of different issues. The idea of having "the talk" insinuates some sort of huge moment of discourse which can understandably be intimidating for some. What if I do it wrong? What if I mess up "the talk?"

Like so many conversations between children and their parents, the notion that we can simply breeze into each other's lives and suddenly have extremely meaningful talks about sensitive topics that we have never addressed before and then breeze back out just as quickly is asinine.

Many people ask us how to go about addressing these issues if they don't currently have a relationship with their parents. I would suggest that the resources Home Instead has made available can be a useful road map towards not only answering some important questions as your parents age but also towards naturally cultivating a meaningful relationship where one previously did not exist.

Have "the talk."

Then have it again.

For more information about Home Instead Senior Care and some of the ways we are serving families CLICK HERE.





Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Build Trust, Take The Lead, Share Your Heart


Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about Home Instead Senior Care. In retrospect, I realize that he was probably just making small talk. However, I found myself holding court for almost twenty minutes about exactly what I was looking for in a caregiver.

Truly great caregivers are diamonds in the rough. They are rare, precious gems which must be mined and polished to shine at their fullest potential. Finding those beautiful people is the single most challenging aspect of what we do at Home Instead Senior Care.

Generally, I find that caregivers fall into two categories. There are those who have figured out how to make what they consider an easy buck by babysitting an old person. They will show up. They will do what is absolutely insisted upon and nothing more. They will move on whenever a situation displeases them or they get a more lucrative offer. Caregivers in this category are a dime a dozen.

And then there are the people who view the work of caregiving as a ministry. These are people who intrinsically understand the tremendous opportunity that we have at Home Instead Senior Care to touch people's lives. Perhaps because they were caregivers for a family member or maybe even needed a caregiver at one point themselves, these servant-hearted angels look at each day as an chance to make a difference.

The unfortunate reality is that there are far too many of the first group and far too few of the latter. The age wave has brought about unprecedented need for services like ours and encouraged many organizations to lower their standards in order to keep up with the increasing demand. While I am proud to say that Home Instead has in no way compromised the qualities we insist upon in our caregivers, we have had to change our strategy somewhat. The task must no longer be to find the best and disregard the rest. Our new challenge is not simply finding the best caregiver but in some instances figuring out how to create the best caregiver.

Many of the applicants who walk through our doors have great hearts and noble intentions. Yet many of them have never had the benefit of a employer who is willing to teach them the requisite skills. As the costs of employing people continue to skyrocket, many businesses expect new associates to arrive ready to work on day one. Hiring someone who must be cultivated and taught is an expense that fewer and fewer enterprises are willing to undertake.

My Home Instead Senior Care franchise works tirelessly to live out our mission of "making Home Instead a great place to be." I believe this is a goal which applies to both client and caregiver. The culture I have worked to create is one which values each individual and is willing to invest in each caregiver with whom we are blessed. It is my heartfelt desire that each of them will look back on their time as a part of our family as one of the more significant experiences of their lives; an experience which afforded them the opportunity to build trust, take the lead and share their heart.

For more information about becoming a Home Instead Senior Care caregiver CLICK HERE.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

We Are Family


As the father of a pre-teen son, I am growing accustomed to the almost daily hormone-fueled rants that accompany life at his age. I remember rants of my own during those years. I remember trying to articulate my jumbled emotions to my bewildered parents. During the tougher seasons, I can recall the seductive thought of leaving for college. On that day, I thought, I will finally be free of these fools and can live life on my own terms. But two truths became quickly evident after I moved out of my childhood home. First, I realized that my parents weren't the fools I may have thought them to be. Second, I realized didn't want to be free of them after all.

The desire for rebellion and independence is not singular to teenage sons. It is a common theme which has driven people of all ages and genders throughout recorded history. From Adam and Eve to Lewis and Clark, we don't want someone else calling the shots. However, despite our best effort to loose the shackles of dependence and forge a path of our own we are a people designed to live in community. There is a deeper drive within us to exist in relationship to others. Nowhere is this more evident than in the bond between parent and child.

As foolish as the child seeking total separation from his parents is the notion that an aging parent and the challenges they face are insulated from affecting their adult children. While a parent and child may enjoy different stages of a relationship throughout their lives, the reality that a relationship continually exists should not be lost on either party. The issues that either go through touch the lives of the other.

As a service to the community, Home Instead Senior Care is presenting a public education campaign called "The 40-70 Rule" over the next several months. This program pinpoints the ages of 40 and 70 as being the perfect starting point for an adult child and their aging parent to begin having important discussions regarding their desires for the years to come. After having reviewed the program materials and having seen the devastation which is wrought by avoiding these sometimes difficult topics, I am excited to share these resources free of charge.

But before we get to the 'How-to's" of having tackling these issues, I think it is important to remember that none of us exist in a vacuum. There is a natural tendency for both parties to recoil from probing questions about our desires. "That's none of your business," we may be tempted to say.
Yet nothing could be further from the truth.

If my parents wish to live out their lives in the comfort of their home, that is very much my business as I will be the one ultimately coordinating the resources and assistance to make that dream a reality. As they prepare to set sail into the sunset of their lives, I must prepare to fulfill my eventual responsibilities as captain of that ship. It is therefore not only reasonable but critical that we have these conversations before the ship leaves its proverbial port.

So let us begin this journey with that one clarification.

We are in this together.

If we work together we can make both of our dreams a reality.

For more information on "The 40-70 Rule" visit www.4070talk.com