So You Want To Move Closer To Your Grandkids?

I frequently hear of seniors relocating to be near family. That makes sense. If something were to happen, it stands to reason that a person would want to be surrounded by those who know them best and could theoretically provide the best care. Unfortunately, there is not always a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow and many seniors find themselves in a strange purgatory between family and the unfamiliar.

Even in the most optimal scenario, the realities of adapting to a new environment and routine are daunting. Relocation is a difficult process at any age not simply because of the physical aspects of the transition but for the emotional difficulty of founding new friends as well. I have seen this relocation scenario play out a number of times with eerily similar results.

A grandparent (we will call her Eleanor) relocates to be closer to her family. In the absence of any friends of her own in a new environment, Eleanor's family becomes her only community.  Over time, she begins to feel like an unwanted house guest. She can't put her finger on anything specific at first but with each passing week it becomes clear that relations have begun to sour. Soon Eleanor's adult children begin to clearly resent the fact that their family has gained a new(old) member. Smiles and pleasantries are less frequent on both sides which leads her to feel unappreciated and distanced from the family she gave everything up to be near. Sensing that her welcome has run out, she spends less time with the grandchildren for whom she moved to be near and more time in the cute little townhouse she purchased. Suddenly, the isolation she always feared would find her if she lived far away has located her only a few short blocks from her daughter's family. She never wanted to be a burden but a burden is exactly what she feels like.

Certainly there are seniors who manage to make late life transitions work. Unfortunately, they are the exception and not the rule. So here are four quick and easy guidelines for making transitions work for everyone.

1. Set Babysitting Boundaries-

Young children not only add stress to a marriage, they can critically complicate a multi-generational living situation. Set clear parameters for healthy interaction AND distance. Openly and honestly discuss the role you each want to play in each other's life. For some, Sunday lunch and babysitting once a month may be plenty to foster the relationship and preserve the wanted family dynamic. For others, interaction may be much more or less frequent. In either scenario, have this talk with both adult child and adult child's spouse before making a move of any kind.

2. Design Your New Life-

If you can remember that high school boy/girlfriend whose world revolved around you then you understand the importance of having a life of your own. The activities you enjoyed in a previous community should be deliberately cultivated in a new environment. Sit down with your family and establish a plan to engage in the community of which you are going to become a part. From bridge clubs to swimming, soup kitchens to church groups; it is vital that a grandparent be actively engaged in something other than just the life of their family.

3.Take A Vacation...To Your Old Life-

The bonds which have been formed over decades should not simply be cast aside when a move occurs. In many instances, that is the unintended result. Like any relationship, old friendships must be intentionally cultivated in person. Deliberately set dates on which you will return to spend time with your old friends and neighbors. Let nothing prevent you from honoring these commitments. Make sure that your adult children understand and are similarly dedicated to helping you maintain your connection to the life you are leaving behind.

4. Family Meetings-

Take your adult child and their spouse out to dinner once or twice a year (sans kids) in order to continually cultivate an open dialogue. Use this as an opportunity to express your gratitude for the active role they are playing in helping you age successfully. Revisit the plan you created to stay accountable or amend it as needed. Listen to each other and understand that the family dynamic will constantly change as everyone ages together. 

A multi-generational family can be a tremendous blessing to everyone involved. Making it work requires a significant initial investment of both time and vulnerability as well as the careful tending of master gardener. If you choose to plant the seeds, you can't be afraid to get your hands a little dirty.